Feeling miserable

I'm so miserable today.

Weight wise the day started well - Saturday 11 July 2009 - 52.9kg.

And foodwise I've been pretty good. My throat is still killing me - think I'm going to have to go back to the doctor's if it doesn't get better soon, but it does mean a lot of ice and liquids.

But I turned my web cam on before. I bought a new laptop recently, my old one was so old it didn't have a web cam or anything like that. Anyway, that's what has made me miserable. I look disgusting. I feel like Homer on that episode of Simpsons (back in the first season or something - the one where Marge is painting a portrait of Mr Burns), and he is happy he has lost weight, and then Mr Burns says he is the "fattest thing I've seen - and I've been on safari". Happy I've lost weight but so much further to go.

I purged again last night. I hate myself when I do that. And once again I used Ipecac. I used to always be able to throw up easily, but not anymore. The day hadn't been going great foodwise, but realistically, I probably would have only eaten about 600 calories. Then I left work and went to McDonalds. Bad mistake. Bought a Happy Meal with 3 chicken nuggets, and thought - ok, will just eat the 3 nuggets, that's 141 calories, and as it was about 5:30pm, it was going to be my dinner. Then I started on the fries. And part of me still thought - ok, so you shouldn't have eaten those, but it still was probably less than 1,000 for the day. But then I bought a slice of mud cake. Came home and ate that, and then ate some corn chips. Then purged.

Why is it so hard for me to just not eat?