still here

So i'm still here and still alive. Why can I never keep a blog going?

"The thinner I become the fatter I feel".

I'm now 48kg (as of yesterday). Which is obviously a pathetic weight loss since when I last posted in August my weight was 52kg-ish.

I'm still glad it's going down - my "revised" goals are:
By 3 December - 45kg
By 2 Jan - 39.9kg (Under 40!!)
By 1 Feb - 35kg

So it's basically 5kg a month.

But anyway, back to my statement above. I'm now only 3kg from having a BMI under 20, considered by most accounts to be underweight. What a piece of sh*t. There is no way I am almost underweight. When I was obese (yes - obese at almost 70kg), I felt fat, don't get me wrong, but now it's like there are particular areas which just disgust me.

I have tonsilitus (I think) so it hurts to swallow. Which is good for weight loss. But makes me feel miserable :(

Babbling

So I've had a bad couple of days food wise. And haven't weighed myself so I'm not looking forward to the scales at the moment. Have to be good for the rest of the weekend and hopefully it will be a good number of Monday.

I saw my shrink Thursday morning. I see him for severe depression, which is under control. But my weight has never been an issue we discussed. It came up briefly with my last shrink (before I moved) and that was because I was putting on a lot after going on a new drug.

I feel so fucked up at the moment, and yet I must be one of his 'easiest' patients. I go in with a "happy face" say everything is going well, he gives me a new prescription and I'm out in 5minutes. He wants me to participate in an experiment though, I need to have a blood test to see how much of an enzyme or something I have, which apparently will show how fast I metabolise anti-depressants. Anyway, slightly concerned because I take a lot of caffeine based diet pills - funnily enough not for weight loss - I was taking them regularly at my heaviest, but just to give me energy. Got quite sick years ago, I think with chronic fatigure syndrome, and even though I'm "better" I still sleep more than most people would consider normal I guess. Anyway, now I've been taking these pills for so long I crash when I stop taking them. I'm babbling. The point is I don't know whehter they will have an effect on my blood test.

I've been watching videos on youtube - a lot of which are meant to be recovery videos - but I watch them to hopefully be triggered into not eating.

one thing is certain - this is already starting to control my life, which kind of sucks, because the amount of work and study I have I need to focus on those.

Weight lost in july

Just looked back at my post from 1 July and realised I only lost 2.7kg in July. That is disgusting! Not even 3/4 of a kilo a week!!!!!

Belated updates

So I'm been very slack in posting of late. Am still sick, which makes it 4 weeks now. My study load has also been absolutely ridiculous. (I work full-time and am studying 2 different degrees at the same time).

I'm feeling very guilty, I keep putting my study above my weight loss in terms of priority. I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to study as well.

Anyway, after staying up until 4am last night working on an assignment, and snacking too much, I didn't weigh myself this morning. Just couldn't deal with it considering I had to get to work.

After posting last week that I was going to go on a liquid diet for 3 days. BIG FAT FAIL!!! I ended up putting on more weight on Saturday, going to 53.9kg. ARGH!!

Since then, things have gotten slowly better.

Monday, 27 July: 52.6.kg, / 26.2% body fat
Tuesday, 28 July: 52.4kg / 25.8% body fat
Wednesday, 29 July: 52.1kg / 26.1% body fat

Update

I went home for a long weekend so I haven't weighed myself for a while. Hopefully I see a drop tomorrow.

Weekend was bad food wise - I knew I would have to eat more than I had been, as I was seeing a lot of people at meal times etc. But I'm still pissed off at myself with how much I ate.

Saturday I was reasonable during the day, but had planned on fasting until dinner (I didn't fly home until the afternoon). Saturday night I went out to dinner, and yes, I obviously had to eat, but I didn't have to eat as much as I did. I tried to throw up when I got home (while having the hair dryer on to muffle the sound), but I just couldn't. I'm really concerned that the only time know I can seem to throw up is when I've taken some Ipecac.

Sunday - awful. Went out for breakfast and had pancakes. Then in the afternoon I had a slice of birthday cake (it was my Mum and aunt's birthday). Sunday night I was really stressed out about some assignments (I'm studying two postgraduate degrees and working full time). My Mum knows how stressed I can get, so the positive thing about this was that I got out of eating dinner.

Monday - not too bad.

I don't think my weight has gone up over the past week, but I hope it has gone down.