Babbling

So I've had a bad couple of days food wise. And haven't weighed myself so I'm not looking forward to the scales at the moment. Have to be good for the rest of the weekend and hopefully it will be a good number of Monday.

I saw my shrink Thursday morning. I see him for severe depression, which is under control. But my weight has never been an issue we discussed. It came up briefly with my last shrink (before I moved) and that was because I was putting on a lot after going on a new drug.

I feel so fucked up at the moment, and yet I must be one of his 'easiest' patients. I go in with a "happy face" say everything is going well, he gives me a new prescription and I'm out in 5minutes. He wants me to participate in an experiment though, I need to have a blood test to see how much of an enzyme or something I have, which apparently will show how fast I metabolise anti-depressants. Anyway, slightly concerned because I take a lot of caffeine based diet pills - funnily enough not for weight loss - I was taking them regularly at my heaviest, but just to give me energy. Got quite sick years ago, I think with chronic fatigure syndrome, and even though I'm "better" I still sleep more than most people would consider normal I guess. Anyway, now I've been taking these pills for so long I crash when I stop taking them. I'm babbling. The point is I don't know whehter they will have an effect on my blood test.

I've been watching videos on youtube - a lot of which are meant to be recovery videos - but I watch them to hopefully be triggered into not eating.

one thing is certain - this is already starting to control my life, which kind of sucks, because the amount of work and study I have I need to focus on those.

I miss...

I miss....

Eating lollies without worrying how many calories I'm consuming
Eating a meal without wondering if I can purge afterwards
Smiling for a photo without thinking how fat I will look
Putting on an outfit without scruitnising myself in the mirror
Mum being able to make everything better with a hug and a kiss

I miss ... Being Happy

I wrote this this afternoon (I've had a bad day in case you couldn't tell), but I'm not sure if the last line is true. I'm not sure if I've ever been happy. I look at photos when I was younger and I certainly look happy, but I can't remember the last time I was "happy". I've been on anti-depressants since I was 14, they have had times of working and times of not working, but even when they have been working I don't think I've been happy - they just meant I haven't been suicidally depressed.

Another milestone

I should say that with my weight of 53.5kg today (117.7 pounds), I have passed another milestone, I have lost over 15 kilos (33 pounds) from my heaviest.

I guess I'm different from a lot of people with pro-ana blogs/sites in the fact I'm no where near being an anorexic weight, or even underweight for my height. My BMI is now under 24, but at my heaviest I was 68.8kg, (just over 151 pounds), which for my height made me obese. My BMI was 30.577 - I WAS A FAT DISGUSTING PIG.

My excessive weight was a combination of things, I was on anti-depressants that made me hungry ALL the time (seriously, it was a horrible feeling, I could eat until I felt nauseaus and still be hungry); I worked insane hours so didn't have time to exericse, and most importantly, had NO WILLPOWER so didn't make the time to exercise and didn't watch what I ate.

I've since come off those anti-depressants (still on some others), changed jobs, and am now much more focused.

Looking back at photos from that time (it was only last year), I am disgusted with myself and what I looked like. I will have a fiddle with some (want to cover my face etc) and post some later today.

I know I have lost weight because of the clothes I wore back then, but I just don't feel like I have lost that much weight. I feel like maybe I've lost 5 kilos since my heaviest, not 15kg.

I remember clearly, a moment at a party in January 1999 - I had just finished high school and was about to start university. A friend of mine was there with her boyfriend, who was wanting to join the navy, but had been told he needed to put on some weight (one of these lanky guys who could eat anything and everything and still be as skinny as a rake). She said to me, "don't you hate it that guys can eat anything and only weigh 60kg?" At that point, I weighed about 42kg (92.4 pounds). (Still thought I was fat, although I was shorter back then than I was now - I was still growing when I started uni). I thought to myself, "I would kill myself if I weighed 60kg". Considering I still wanted to lose weight at 42kg, the thought of putting on almost 20kg - it just wasn't fathomable. To think that I ended up putting on over 25kg since that weight - I'm just disgusted with myself.

I know that if you have a full-blown ED you can look in the mirror and see yourself as being a lot fatter than you actually are. I think at my heaviest I had the opposite problem, I knew I was overweight but didn't realise how overweight. It's only now when I look at photos I was to rip my skin off for letting myself get that way.

I will never get ANYWHERE near that weight again.

Weight update / Thoughts

Weight for last two days:

Tuesday, 7 July 2009: 53.5kg / 27.3% body fat

Monday, 6 July 2009: 54.2kg / 27.9% body fat

I was really depressed with my weight Monday morning. I know it was only 100g heavier than on Sunday, but I had barely eaten anything on Sunday so thought it would go down. However, I guess since I was sick I wasn't actually awake for much of Sunday, and when I was awake I spent most of the day in bed, so shouldn't have eaten anything.

Then yesterday (Monday), I took the day of work because I was still sick and went to the doctors. (Who basically said it's a virus, I don't need any anti-biotics, and I'll be fine). I walked to the doctor's, which was about a 35 minute walk. Not much, but at least it was some exercise. I didn't have a great day; but was going ok; and then I ended up eating dinner with my flatmate last night. VERY BAD. I was still feeling sick, I was tired, and when my flatmate offered me some dinner I didn't have the energy to say no or explain why I wasn't eating. I was able to get away with not eating much, she knew I was sick, so was able to say I wasn't very hungry. But I have to keep reminding myself this is long-term. My flatmate and I get along well, but we pretty much lead our own lives, cook our own food etc. However, I'm sure if she never sees me eating dinner she will start to wonder. It won't be hard to hide - she usually cooks dinner and goes to her room to eat, but I figure if she sometimes sees me eating she won't be thinking about it. But am happy I resisted the urge to then binge and purge; as I really hate purging. And once again, have flatmate - have my own bathroom but when I binged and purged on Friday and Saturday she wasn't home. Always worried she will hear (although I make sure I run a bath or turn the shower on).

This has turned into a bit of a blabber so I'll stop. Anyway - happy with the decline in my weight today.