still here

So i'm still here and still alive. Why can I never keep a blog going?

"The thinner I become the fatter I feel".

I'm now 48kg (as of yesterday). Which is obviously a pathetic weight loss since when I last posted in August my weight was 52kg-ish.

I'm still glad it's going down - my "revised" goals are:
By 3 December - 45kg
By 2 Jan - 39.9kg (Under 40!!)
By 1 Feb - 35kg

So it's basically 5kg a month.

But anyway, back to my statement above. I'm now only 3kg from having a BMI under 20, considered by most accounts to be underweight. What a piece of sh*t. There is no way I am almost underweight. When I was obese (yes - obese at almost 70kg), I felt fat, don't get me wrong, but now it's like there are particular areas which just disgust me.

I have tonsilitus (I think) so it hurts to swallow. Which is good for weight loss. But makes me feel miserable :(

Babbling

So I've had a bad couple of days food wise. And haven't weighed myself so I'm not looking forward to the scales at the moment. Have to be good for the rest of the weekend and hopefully it will be a good number of Monday.

I saw my shrink Thursday morning. I see him for severe depression, which is under control. But my weight has never been an issue we discussed. It came up briefly with my last shrink (before I moved) and that was because I was putting on a lot after going on a new drug.

I feel so fucked up at the moment, and yet I must be one of his 'easiest' patients. I go in with a "happy face" say everything is going well, he gives me a new prescription and I'm out in 5minutes. He wants me to participate in an experiment though, I need to have a blood test to see how much of an enzyme or something I have, which apparently will show how fast I metabolise anti-depressants. Anyway, slightly concerned because I take a lot of caffeine based diet pills - funnily enough not for weight loss - I was taking them regularly at my heaviest, but just to give me energy. Got quite sick years ago, I think with chronic fatigure syndrome, and even though I'm "better" I still sleep more than most people would consider normal I guess. Anyway, now I've been taking these pills for so long I crash when I stop taking them. I'm babbling. The point is I don't know whehter they will have an effect on my blood test.

I've been watching videos on youtube - a lot of which are meant to be recovery videos - but I watch them to hopefully be triggered into not eating.

one thing is certain - this is already starting to control my life, which kind of sucks, because the amount of work and study I have I need to focus on those.

Update

So my weight on Monday was horrendous - 52.9 kilos. BUT: I think a lot of it was water weight, because on Tuesday my weight was 51.8kilos. I barely ate on Monday, but still, a 1.1 kg loss is more than I would have expected.

Yesterady - BAD. Ate FAR FAR too much. I have a lecture on Tuesday nights so perfect reason not to eat dinner, but once I got home I snacked. And snacked. And snacked.

Today it's only 11:30 and I've already eaten far too much. We had a work morning tea and I ate too much crap, and am now feeling sick. The only good thing is that other people were there seeing me eat. But now I have a 3 hour lecture I have to teach and all I want to do is try and purge, and with my lecture starting in 10 minutes I obviously can't do that.

(Yep - I'm a university lecturer who is probably more screwed up than all of her student's combined).

I have an assignment I have to work on tonight (also doing some post-grad study in addition to teaching), so I think I'll have to eat something to have some energy. But for the rest of today: 1 Apple + Vegtables.

Thursday Meal Plan: 1/2 sandwich (have a seminar which lunch provided) + Yoghurt + vegetables

Friday Meal Plan: Fast.

Weight - 2 August 2009

Sunday, 2 August 2009: 52.1kg / 25.2% body fat.

Not impressed. I should mention I binged and purged on Friday, and it always seems my weight drops after doing that - I think part of it must be due to a bit of dehydration. Because it seems even if I am good the next day (i.e. eating, but not much), I weight goes back up.

Last Monday my weight was 52.6kg. My aim was to lose 1.1kg a week for 16 weeks, which would take my weight to 35. My goal :) And it would be perfect timing, the 16 weeks would finish on 16 November, and I finish all my study on 14 November - so will have time to go shopping for new clothes, go to the beach, etc etc. And really, 1.1kg should not be difficult!!!!! But so far this week I have only lost 0.5kg.

Weight lost in july

Just looked back at my post from 1 July and realised I only lost 2.7kg in July. That is disgusting! Not even 3/4 of a kilo a week!!!!!

A new month - a new me

1 August Stats:

51.8kg / 114 pounds
25.7% body fat

72.5 cm /28.5 inch waist
88.5 cm / 35 inch hips
89cm / 35 inch breasts
51cm / 20 inch thigh

My goals for this month:
Lose 5kg / 11 pounds

Challenges this month:

• Going on a long-weekend ski trip with friends (and one of whom, who I don't know very well, is a doctor). So completely worried about what I will be forced to eat, but almost looking forward to see what I can get away with when I'm eating with a doctor. I've never been skiing before, so don't know what happens during the day, do people leave the ski fields to get lunch etc??
• People at work have started noticing I've lost weight, so need to make sure if I'm eating I do it in front of people. Still winter so I can wear bulky jumpers to work though. Shows the stupidity of our society though, I'm still towards the higher end of my healthy weight range, and I feel like I'm having to hide that I have lost weight.

Some cute reverse thinspiration

This was in an e-mail received today, made me laugh. Some "chubbies" can be pretty cute! :)

"MAN...I'M GETTING SO FAT I CAN HARDLY SCRATCH MY OWN BUTT!! "