Saturday, August 8, 2009


So I've had a bad couple of days food wise. And haven't weighed myself so I'm not looking forward to the scales at the moment. Have to be good for the rest of the weekend and hopefully it will be a good number of Monday.

I saw my shrink Thursday morning. I see him for severe depression, which is under control. But my weight has never been an issue we discussed. It came up briefly with my last shrink (before I moved) and that was because I was putting on a lot after going on a new drug.

I feel so fucked up at the moment, and yet I must be one of his 'easiest' patients. I go in with a "happy face" say everything is going well, he gives me a new prescription and I'm out in 5minutes. He wants me to participate in an experiment though, I need to have a blood test to see how much of an enzyme or something I have, which apparently will show how fast I metabolise anti-depressants. Anyway, slightly concerned because I take a lot of caffeine based diet pills - funnily enough not for weight loss - I was taking them regularly at my heaviest, but just to give me energy. Got quite sick years ago, I think with chronic fatigure syndrome, and even though I'm "better" I still sleep more than most people would consider normal I guess. Anyway, now I've been taking these pills for so long I crash when I stop taking them. I'm babbling. The point is I don't know whehter they will have an effect on my blood test.

I've been watching videos on youtube - a lot of which are meant to be recovery videos - but I watch them to hopefully be triggered into not eating.

one thing is certain - this is already starting to control my life, which kind of sucks, because the amount of work and study I have I need to focus on those.

1 comment:

  1. "Starting"? It is has already been controlling your life for long time. Since the time you decided this was the best method to lose weight to the time you decided 35KG was healthy even for a woman of your height, it has gripped you. Don't fool yourself.

    The funny thing about having an ED is you think when you've been larger in the past you think you had no the control on your eating habits or discipline but truthfully you're just as mentally out of control as you were before. Maybe even more so. Having been overweight and then developing ED NOS, I know the struggle. Yet I thank heavens that I fought the ED before it took over me completely and I wound up dead or being fed through a tube in a hospital.

    I've known girls with the BMI you're aiming for - their thinness is not admirable, nor is their lack of hair, oddly furry faces, the pain they feel when they stand because their feet are so cold, the fact they need to wear gloves indoors because little blood circulates to their hands, the lack of glow in the face, the fact they have no look of life in their eyes, the chronic chest pains they feel as they fall asleep. The knowledge that at as early as 50, they'll probably have osteoporosis (brittle bones) and be in excruciating pain when merely walking and will find it difficult to have romantic relationships (and will probably never have their own families due to destroyed fertility) is no longer something in the back of their minds but something they have to confront every single day. They're left with the guilt and shame of the damage that has been done to their bodies, even though these shouldn't be feelings they allow themselves to have because they had a mental disorder. Yet, just like depression is a mental disorder - at some point you accept you need help instead of allowing yourself to feel dragged down into a black hole with no light.With an ED, you know despite the voice in your head willing you to destory yourself that you need help. Those with ED (like I used to be) think they're controlled but they're really struggling. It is not pretty or worthy of praise. It is pitiful and horrendous to watch. You will notice only those gripped by EDS will give praise to others engaging in this behaviour. Thin yet healthy women never utter a word of praise when they know someone has achieved thinness in this manner.

    At some point with an ED like anorexia, you find that no-one wants to be around you. You're left with your family and your remaining friends to watch you slowly dying (as you destroy your internal organs and your body feeds on even your heart for fuel), meanwhile you're so blinded by this ED that you continue anyway. Or maybe they do what they need to save you and force you into a hospital.

    There is always hope to get away from this though - when you feel doubt in this way of life and momentarily ask yourself why you've committed to suffering, you know you haven't lost all of yourself in this illness. So your therapist isn't bringing it up? You bring it up. When you have those moments where you ask your self "why?", that's the time you get help before those moments of pure sanity become rarer and rarer.

    I wish I'd known 6 years ago what I know now: that even if you're overweight, there is a way to get thin the healthy way and finally feel in control of yourself and food. It doesn't include binging, restricting, 2+ hours of intense exercise a day or purging. It also doesn't involve sacrificing all traces of life in me, an obsession with numbers and food and neglecting all forms of relationships and friendships. I know that at 35+, I won't have still sacrificed all that I am to this ED. Can you honestly say the same if you're not fighting it? Yes, you CAN get pretty small (within a healthy range - so 18% - 20% bmi) if you want to but it's not worth it like this or necessary to have a mental illness attached to it.