Some cute reverse thinspiration

This was in an e-mail received today, made me laugh. Some "chubbies" can be pretty cute! :)

"MAN...I'M GETTING SO FAT I CAN HARDLY SCRATCH MY OWN BUTT!! "

Belated updates

So I'm been very slack in posting of late. Am still sick, which makes it 4 weeks now. My study load has also been absolutely ridiculous. (I work full-time and am studying 2 different degrees at the same time).

I'm feeling very guilty, I keep putting my study above my weight loss in terms of priority. I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to study as well.

Anyway, after staying up until 4am last night working on an assignment, and snacking too much, I didn't weigh myself this morning. Just couldn't deal with it considering I had to get to work.

After posting last week that I was going to go on a liquid diet for 3 days. BIG FAT FAIL!!! I ended up putting on more weight on Saturday, going to 53.9kg. ARGH!!

Since then, things have gotten slowly better.

Monday, 27 July: 52.6.kg, / 26.2% body fat
Tuesday, 28 July: 52.4kg / 25.8% body fat
Wednesday, 29 July: 52.1kg / 26.1% body fat

Some thinspiration: Supersize vs. Superskinny

Supersize vs. Superskinny (Channel 4 UK TV show).

The "supersize" has a BMI of 67!!
The "superskinny" has a 22 inch waist.

Fat fat fat - 24 July 09

AARRRGHHHH!!!

Friday, 24 July 2009: 53.4kg, 25.5% body fat.

Why is this so hard? And how did I put on 1.3kg since Wednesday?

I am the first to admit that Wednesday and yesterday weren't great food wise, but they also weren't terrible. I ate some naughty food but I didn't binge.

It's Friday here and I'm off work sick (due to the flu) - I still have tons of study to do this weekend but I think 3 days of liquid dieting will do me good.

Weight - 22 July

Wednesday, 22 July 2009: 52.1kg, 25.8% body fat.

Happy but surprised.

Update

I went home for a long weekend so I haven't weighed myself for a while. Hopefully I see a drop tomorrow.

Weekend was bad food wise - I knew I would have to eat more than I had been, as I was seeing a lot of people at meal times etc. But I'm still pissed off at myself with how much I ate.

Saturday I was reasonable during the day, but had planned on fasting until dinner (I didn't fly home until the afternoon). Saturday night I went out to dinner, and yes, I obviously had to eat, but I didn't have to eat as much as I did. I tried to throw up when I got home (while having the hair dryer on to muffle the sound), but I just couldn't. I'm really concerned that the only time know I can seem to throw up is when I've taken some Ipecac.

Sunday - awful. Went out for breakfast and had pancakes. Then in the afternoon I had a slice of birthday cake (it was my Mum and aunt's birthday). Sunday night I was really stressed out about some assignments (I'm studying two postgraduate degrees and working full time). My Mum knows how stressed I can get, so the positive thing about this was that I got out of eating dinner.

Monday - not too bad.

I don't think my weight has gone up over the past week, but I hope it has gone down.

Dance Your Ass Off

Has anyone seen this show? I'm in Australia and it just started tonight. It's a cross between "So You Think You Can Dance" and "The Biggest Loser". It's certainly thinspiration - chubbo's dancing in tiny sequined costumes.

The first person who danced (who weighed over 250 pounds) was wearing a disgusting bright orange outfit with flesh showing through, and said she "felt so good"... um, hate to break it to you honey but you looked sooooo bad.

Weight & the week ahead

Wednesday, 15 July 2009: 53.2kg, 27.6% body fat.

Well, the fast yesterday worked in terms of weight, but unimpressed with body fat. Maybe another saltwater flush?

The rest of the week and into next week is going to be a struggle.

Tomorrow (Thursday) I have a work dinner, hopefully I can get away with not eating much, but will have to make an effort to not draw attention to myself. Luckily people at work know I have been sick so if anyone notices I'm not eating much I can blame it on that.

Friday I have a conference all day, lunch will be sandwiches so aiming to get away with just eating half a sandwich.

Saturday I'm going back home (interstate), and have a friend's birthday that night. I'm going to have to fast all day before hand.

Sunday and Monday I'll be at home, in addition to my friend's birthday it's my Mum and aunt's birthday; and will be catching up with other friends which always seems to involve food.

AARGH!

Weight/fasting

Tuesday, 14 July 2009: 53.8kg, 26.3% body fat.

Yesterday was awful. It started bad with me taking some medication (over the counter) to try to clear up my sinuses, which contained an anti-hestimine, which promptly made me starving ALL DAY. So I ate, and ate, and ate, and ate. I tried to purge once but nothing really came up. So obviously I'm not happy my weight went up, but I honestly thought it would go up more than this.

FASTING today, will hopefully see results tomorrow.

It's going to be a long day, but I WILL GET THROUGH IT. As Yoda said "There is no try, there is only do".

I miss...

I miss....

Eating lollies without worrying how many calories I'm consuming
Eating a meal without wondering if I can purge afterwards
Smiling for a photo without thinking how fat I will look
Putting on an outfit without scruitnising myself in the mirror
Mum being able to make everything better with a hug and a kiss

I miss ... Being Happy

I wrote this this afternoon (I've had a bad day in case you couldn't tell), but I'm not sure if the last line is true. I'm not sure if I've ever been happy. I look at photos when I was younger and I certainly look happy, but I can't remember the last time I was "happy". I've been on anti-depressants since I was 14, they have had times of working and times of not working, but even when they have been working I don't think I've been happy - they just meant I haven't been suicidally depressed.

Saltwater flush

I did a saltwater flush yesterday afternoon, which is basically a laxative drink.

All you need to do is mix 2 teaspoons of sea salt (probably available in supermarkets, I bought a pack at a health food store) in a litre of warm water and drink.

My experience:
Taste: Well, it's not great. After all, you are drinking warm salt water. But it's unpleasant rather than horrible. The salty taste does linger in your mouth for a while afterwards.
Quantity: I only managed to get through about 800mls. You do start to feel quite bloated. Will have to drink the whole litre next time.
Effects: Took a bit longer than I thought to work, probably took me about 30 minutes to drink the 800 mls, then about an hour before I started feeling any effects. Keep this in mind if you are doing it in the morning and have to go out! Then it was one trip to the bathroom, and after about another 10 minutes, a second trip. That was it for me.

Overall, not a bad experience and I will do it again.

Weight - 13 July 2009

Monday, 13 July 2009: 53.4kg, 25.4% body fat

Not happy my weight is still above 53kg, but didn't have a geat day yesterday so not surprised. Still, it annoys me that my weight is where it was last Friday, and still up from last Thursday and Saturday.

Not too sure about the body fat % - it seems to go up and down a fair bit, how can I have lost over 2% body fat in a day? Unless the saltwater flush really does cause miracles! (I'll post about my experiences with that later). Obviously I want the body fat % to be going down - but the weight is still the most important number.

Pissed off

Sunday, 12 July 2009: 53.4kg, 27.6% body fat.

So I thought I had a very good day food-wise yesterday. No more than 500 calories, but somehow I PUT BACK ON 0.5kg!! The same 0.5kg I had lost when I weight myself Saturday morning. Maybe I was dehydrated after puking on Friday night so put on water weight? I don't know. All I know is that it's days like today that make me miserable. I know 500 calories isn't low compared to what some ana's eat, but it isn't exactly a feast.

I went to the hairdresser's and shopping today, bought some sea salt so I can do a salt water flush this afternoon. http://www.lemondetox.com.au/laxteasseasalt.php

Not really looking forward to the whole 1-ltr salt water drink, but it will be worth it!

Feeling miserable

I'm so miserable today.

Weight wise the day started well - Saturday 11 July 2009 - 52.9kg.

And foodwise I've been pretty good. My throat is still killing me - think I'm going to have to go back to the doctor's if it doesn't get better soon, but it does mean a lot of ice and liquids.

But I turned my web cam on before. I bought a new laptop recently, my old one was so old it didn't have a web cam or anything like that. Anyway, that's what has made me miserable. I look disgusting. I feel like Homer on that episode of Simpsons (back in the first season or something - the one where Marge is painting a portrait of Mr Burns), and he is happy he has lost weight, and then Mr Burns says he is the "fattest thing I've seen - and I've been on safari". Happy I've lost weight but so much further to go.

I purged again last night. I hate myself when I do that. And once again I used Ipecac. I used to always be able to throw up easily, but not anymore. The day hadn't been going great foodwise, but realistically, I probably would have only eaten about 600 calories. Then I left work and went to McDonalds. Bad mistake. Bought a Happy Meal with 3 chicken nuggets, and thought - ok, will just eat the 3 nuggets, that's 141 calories, and as it was about 5:30pm, it was going to be my dinner. Then I started on the fries. And part of me still thought - ok, so you shouldn't have eaten those, but it still was probably less than 1,000 for the day. But then I bought a slice of mud cake. Came home and ate that, and then ate some corn chips. Then purged.

Why is it so hard for me to just not eat?

Latest weight

Friday, 10 July 2009: 54.4kg, 27.8% body fat.
Thursday, 9 July 2009: 54.3kg, 26.9% body fat

Some shit happened yesterday which I don't really want to talk about yet. Had a bad day for a number of reasons. Surprisingly not too concerned that my weight went up by 100g, but annoyed about my body fat % - although not surprising considering I've been doing no exercise.

I'm going to the hairdressers on Sunday - not that it will make me beautiful - no hairstyle will be able to hide my double chin, but hopefully it will make me feel a little bit better.

Weight etc

Wednesday, 8 July 2009: 53.4kg, 26.7% body fat.

At least it's down. I was a bit worried what my weight would be - after losing .7kg the day before, I thought it might bounce back. I didn't eat a lot yesterday, but still ate too much, and last night, even though I had planned not to have dinner, my throat was really sore so I had two iceblocks. Approx 50 calories each but pure sugar.

I "chewed and spit" about half a block of chocolate last night. I didn't actually know until recently that that was fairly common in eating disorders. The first time I did it was a few years ago - I had put myself on a 5 day detox, which went as follows - Day 1: Fruit, vegetables, fruit juice, water. Day 2: Fruit juice and water. Day 3: Water. Day 4: Fruit juice and water Dat 5: Fruit, vegetables, water. Just for the record, I didn't do this to lose weight (although of course that was a nice side effect). I was on university holidays, I had been completely unhealthy - I have always drunk a lot of diet coke, and was also using a lot of panadol etc, so I really just wanted to clear my system. Anyway, I was on the last day of my detox and just needed to taste something apart from fruit and vegies, but I figured if I didn't swallow it, it wouldn't be so bad. Like the calorie counter I mentioned in my last post, I suddenly thought this was the answer to all my problems, but honestly, I don't really enjoy it, so only did it once or twice. I never feel satisfied, and particularly last night with something like choclate, I know I end up getting a few calories here and there, because it sticks to your teeth etc. But I was so tempted to binge last night, and at least it stopped me doing that.

Calorie counters

Received a calorie counter and diet/exercise diary I ordered in the mail yesterday.

It's been years since I bought a calorie counter. I remember the first one I ever bought - it was 1998. I remember thinking it would solve all my problems - now I know the calories in everything! How can I not lose weight?? Of course, there is a big difference between KNOWING the calories in food and CONTROLLING the calories in food. I think I bought another one about 7 years ago.

Since then, I had just been using the old ones I had, and relying on information on packets, and if necessary, using the net. But it's nice to have a new calorie counter - all nice and shiny and new. Of course, I can waste so much time reading it - wondering how I could have possibly eaten some things, and dreaming about all the things I would like to binge on.

Photos from my heaviest

Some reverse thinspiration ahead.

As I mentioned in my last post, last year I was a lot heavier than I am now. These are pictures that were taken on different occasions, but would have both been around the time I was at my heaviest.

My DOUBLE chin and HUMONGOUS arms... EWWW! Happy to say I now don't look as bad now, but still have a long way to go. (Particularly with my arms - no matter how much weight I lose they will need some serious toning).

The only thing that is thin are my lips ... never been a huge fan of plastic surgery but I think some collagen is in order!

Another milestone

I should say that with my weight of 53.5kg today (117.7 pounds), I have passed another milestone, I have lost over 15 kilos (33 pounds) from my heaviest.

I guess I'm different from a lot of people with pro-ana blogs/sites in the fact I'm no where near being an anorexic weight, or even underweight for my height. My BMI is now under 24, but at my heaviest I was 68.8kg, (just over 151 pounds), which for my height made me obese. My BMI was 30.577 - I WAS A FAT DISGUSTING PIG.

My excessive weight was a combination of things, I was on anti-depressants that made me hungry ALL the time (seriously, it was a horrible feeling, I could eat until I felt nauseaus and still be hungry); I worked insane hours so didn't have time to exericse, and most importantly, had NO WILLPOWER so didn't make the time to exercise and didn't watch what I ate.

I've since come off those anti-depressants (still on some others), changed jobs, and am now much more focused.

Looking back at photos from that time (it was only last year), I am disgusted with myself and what I looked like. I will have a fiddle with some (want to cover my face etc) and post some later today.

I know I have lost weight because of the clothes I wore back then, but I just don't feel like I have lost that much weight. I feel like maybe I've lost 5 kilos since my heaviest, not 15kg.

I remember clearly, a moment at a party in January 1999 - I had just finished high school and was about to start university. A friend of mine was there with her boyfriend, who was wanting to join the navy, but had been told he needed to put on some weight (one of these lanky guys who could eat anything and everything and still be as skinny as a rake). She said to me, "don't you hate it that guys can eat anything and only weigh 60kg?" At that point, I weighed about 42kg (92.4 pounds). (Still thought I was fat, although I was shorter back then than I was now - I was still growing when I started uni). I thought to myself, "I would kill myself if I weighed 60kg". Considering I still wanted to lose weight at 42kg, the thought of putting on almost 20kg - it just wasn't fathomable. To think that I ended up putting on over 25kg since that weight - I'm just disgusted with myself.

I know that if you have a full-blown ED you can look in the mirror and see yourself as being a lot fatter than you actually are. I think at my heaviest I had the opposite problem, I knew I was overweight but didn't realise how overweight. It's only now when I look at photos I was to rip my skin off for letting myself get that way.

I will never get ANYWHERE near that weight again.

Weight update / Thoughts

Weight for last two days:

Tuesday, 7 July 2009: 53.5kg / 27.3% body fat

Monday, 6 July 2009: 54.2kg / 27.9% body fat

I was really depressed with my weight Monday morning. I know it was only 100g heavier than on Sunday, but I had barely eaten anything on Sunday so thought it would go down. However, I guess since I was sick I wasn't actually awake for much of Sunday, and when I was awake I spent most of the day in bed, so shouldn't have eaten anything.

Then yesterday (Monday), I took the day of work because I was still sick and went to the doctors. (Who basically said it's a virus, I don't need any anti-biotics, and I'll be fine). I walked to the doctor's, which was about a 35 minute walk. Not much, but at least it was some exercise. I didn't have a great day; but was going ok; and then I ended up eating dinner with my flatmate last night. VERY BAD. I was still feeling sick, I was tired, and when my flatmate offered me some dinner I didn't have the energy to say no or explain why I wasn't eating. I was able to get away with not eating much, she knew I was sick, so was able to say I wasn't very hungry. But I have to keep reminding myself this is long-term. My flatmate and I get along well, but we pretty much lead our own lives, cook our own food etc. However, I'm sure if she never sees me eating dinner she will start to wonder. It won't be hard to hide - she usually cooks dinner and goes to her room to eat, but I figure if she sometimes sees me eating she won't be thinking about it. But am happy I resisted the urge to then binge and purge; as I really hate purging. And once again, have flatmate - have my own bathroom but when I binged and purged on Friday and Saturday she wasn't home. Always worried she will hear (although I make sure I run a bath or turn the shower on).

This has turned into a bit of a blabber so I'll stop. Anyway - happy with the decline in my weight today.

Weight update

Sunday, 5 July 2009: 54.1 kg / 27.1% body fat

Saturday, 4 July 2009: 54.4 kg / 27.9% body fat

Friday, 2 July 2009: 54.8kg / 28.4% body fat
(result of having a bad day Thursday and not purging)

Thursday, 2 July 2009: 54.4kg / 27.9% body fat

An update

I haven't posted for a few days.

Was busy at work and now seem to have the flu. Slept about 13/14 hours Friday and Saturday night, and still feel exhausted. Have a bad headache that won't go away and a sore throat. Will see how I'm feeling tomorrow, I might end up taking a few days off. I started a new job in Feb, have been their 5 months and so far have not taken a day off, so don't really know what the policy is in terms of getting a doctor's certificate if I'm off sick. Almost everyone I work with is on holidays so I don't think they will really care if I'm not there. (I work at a university so it's pretty flexible). I don't really want to go to the doctor's - not that I'm anywhere near thin enough that they would think something is up in terms of my weight/eating (seriously, my BMI is still 24 at the moment). But they'll probably want to test me for swine flu. Fun.

Dieting/weight - it sucks. Both Friday and Saturday I purged after eating too much. I never go on full out binges, my "binges" are probably a max of 600 calories or so, but I still just felt disgusting after eating crap. And what is worse, I've been using Ipecac. Why is it so hard to throw up? I used to throw up quite a lot as a child - and not deliberately. I just seemed to always have a sensitive stomach. It is the first time I have used Ipecac - to be honest, from the horror stories I heard I thought I would be throwing up all night. I still had to stick my fingers down my throat at first (even after waiting after taking it) - but it did make it a lot easier for everything to come up. But honestly, purging is a disgusting habit. Why can't I just have the will power not to eat in the first place?

Thinspiration - Gemma Ward

Some thinspiration for the day - Gemma Ward, a fabulous Aussie model

Weight - 1 July 2009

Wednesday, 1 July 2009: 54.5kg, 27.9% body fat.

Surprised (but happy) I lost weight - I ate a McChicken burger last night and didn't purge. I had been reasonably good the rest of the day so I guess my calories intake ended up being around the 1,200 mark (have to start keeping better track).