Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Another milestone

I should say that with my weight of 53.5kg today (117.7 pounds), I have passed another milestone, I have lost over 15 kilos (33 pounds) from my heaviest.

I guess I'm different from a lot of people with pro-ana blogs/sites in the fact I'm no where near being an anorexic weight, or even underweight for my height. My BMI is now under 24, but at my heaviest I was 68.8kg, (just over 151 pounds), which for my height made me obese. My BMI was 30.577 - I WAS A FAT DISGUSTING PIG.

My excessive weight was a combination of things, I was on anti-depressants that made me hungry ALL the time (seriously, it was a horrible feeling, I could eat until I felt nauseaus and still be hungry); I worked insane hours so didn't have time to exericse, and most importantly, had NO WILLPOWER so didn't make the time to exercise and didn't watch what I ate.

I've since come off those anti-depressants (still on some others), changed jobs, and am now much more focused.

Looking back at photos from that time (it was only last year), I am disgusted with myself and what I looked like. I will have a fiddle with some (want to cover my face etc) and post some later today.

I know I have lost weight because of the clothes I wore back then, but I just don't feel like I have lost that much weight. I feel like maybe I've lost 5 kilos since my heaviest, not 15kg.

I remember clearly, a moment at a party in January 1999 - I had just finished high school and was about to start university. A friend of mine was there with her boyfriend, who was wanting to join the navy, but had been told he needed to put on some weight (one of these lanky guys who could eat anything and everything and still be as skinny as a rake). She said to me, "don't you hate it that guys can eat anything and only weigh 60kg?" At that point, I weighed about 42kg (92.4 pounds). (Still thought I was fat, although I was shorter back then than I was now - I was still growing when I started uni). I thought to myself, "I would kill myself if I weighed 60kg". Considering I still wanted to lose weight at 42kg, the thought of putting on almost 20kg - it just wasn't fathomable. To think that I ended up putting on over 25kg since that weight - I'm just disgusted with myself.

I know that if you have a full-blown ED you can look in the mirror and see yourself as being a lot fatter than you actually are. I think at my heaviest I had the opposite problem, I knew I was overweight but didn't realise how overweight. It's only now when I look at photos I was to rip my skin off for letting myself get that way.

I will never get ANYWHERE near that weight again.

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