I miss....
Eating lollies without worrying how many calories I'm consuming
Eating a meal without wondering if I can purge afterwards
Smiling for a photo without thinking how fat I will look
Putting on an outfit without scruitnising myself in the mirror
Mum being able to make everything better with a hug and a kiss
I miss ... Being Happy
I wrote this this afternoon (I've had a bad day in case you couldn't tell), but I'm not sure if the last line is true. I'm not sure if I've ever been happy. I look at photos when I was younger and I certainly look happy, but I can't remember the last time I was "happy". I've been on anti-depressants since I was 14, they have had times of working and times of not working, but even when they have been working I don't think I've been happy - they just meant I haven't been suicidally depressed.
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Please read because I don't mean to offend you at all. If you're unhappy now you'll be a whole lot more miserable before you even reach 35kg.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to be a hypocrite and act outraged at what you're attempting to do. I can relate to you as someone who has been heavy and then went on to have an eating disorder. You can claim to be pro-anoreixa but the only people who are "pro" it either don't really have one at all and want one because they think it's the key to guys/happiness/looking good etc or are yet to fully realise this is the wrong path. The people with long-term eating disorders feel so trapped by this disease but cannot stop. A waste of life.
My ED started at 16, I'm 21 and still have the occasional issues. I wasted so many years with this illness. Even though I don't think I was that happy prior to my ED just like you, I robbed myself of the chance of finding happiness whilst thinking that eating very thin would make be happy. I could have worked to change myself in some other way to find happiness but I did not. It just made me fall into a depression. It's a vicious cycle.
I see throughout your blog that there are signs that you are not happy with what you're doing, that's not to be mistaken with your progress but what you're actually doing to achieve your weight loss.
I've tried to recover despite still being a good 15 lbs too heavy for my weight and it was the most difficult thing. It seems like an either or situation - either recover or get fat. That scared me because I wanted to be healthy and still be thin(er). Well, inevitably at some point every person with an ED either knows that they reach breaking point (or are hospitalised against will) and have to recover or they simply die (even bullimics). It may take years but it all boils down to those two options. I'm not sure which you choose but I had to pick the first option: gain some weight back, get on the path to recovery and then lose weight again but in a healthy way. In a strange way, the sense of reward I feel when I lose whilst being healthy isn't the short-lived false type I had when I was in the midst of anorexia/bulimia. When you have an ED, you are always chasing a goal that you will never achieve because you'll never be satisfied.
I don't have the right to tell you what to do and that's not the point of my message. I just think that if there was someone who knew what I was going through when I was 16, I might have found it useful to know their story.